Remember me?

I have thought about this space a million times over the last several months. Missed it. Yearned for it. But never actively choosing to seek it out. There are many reasons for that, many excuses, but I am happy to be writing today. Not entirely sure what compelled me to come here today and sit and type out a bit more of my story to share with my little corner of the internet, but I am here.

Maybe the reason why I find myself here today is the overwhelming amount of emotion I have been going through the last several months. Writing has always helped me feel a sense of release and relief when I am not able to articulate things verbally, so perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that I find myself here and once again needing to find comfort in the written word. The range of emotion that I have felt over the last several months can be attributed to the fact that I have been utterly and truly swept away by a certain someone that I met back in December strictly by chance. You guys, I honestly don’t even think that there are enough words to truly convey the thoughts and feelings that I have experienced with this person and with myself. I have lived some dark days as you know and have come out fully on the other side a stronger, different, and better person, but during those dark days, I had almost, almost given up hope at ever meeting someone who touched me to my core and made me feel like I had stars in my eyes and butterflies in my stomach. 

This amazing man has made me feel special every single day since we met. Every. Single. Day. It is the littlest things that have added up to be one very big thing. There have been ups and downs, some little tiffs here and there, some adjustments for both of us as we each navigate being in a relationship again, but we have made it through. Together. Together. It hasn’t always been easy and as much as it pains me to admit this, a lot of the struggle has been on my end. It has been tough for me to navigate being in a relationship again and all of the feelings that come along with that relationship. As I said, I have been overwhelmed by a range of emotions ranging from fear, happiness, comfort, shock, like, joy, elation, insecurity, happiness, happiness, happiness, fear, and dare I say it, love. I believe in love and I always have, but every once in awhile, I admit that I have let some of my past take over my head. I suppose this is only natural and thankfully, I have worked hard to work through these things and feel as if I have the tools to work through these thoughts and feelings within myself. In these rough moments, I chose to focus on the happiness that this person helps to bring to my life. The little ways he makes me feel special and cherished which in turn, helps me to feel that way about myself.

While I am not quite ready to share the details of this here, we have recently had a couple of conversations that absolutely needed to happen, but that doesn’t make them any easier. You see, we have a few lifestyle differences. Some that I am not entirely sure I am able to overcome on my end. There was a moment that shifted everything. And at this second in time, it is that moment that stands out amongst the rest. The splash of black on an otherwise white canvas. Can we work through these challenges together? Well, we are certainly going to try. Neither one of us are willing to throw in the towel. Neither one of us are willing to lose the stars and the butterflies. Neither one of us are willing to walk away from this special and amazing thing that we have built together. Together. It also comes back to that one single word. Together. We will work on this together and see if we are able to work through these challenges. I am not willing to take my heart back from this person that holds it and I suspect he feels the same as I do.

He is worth it. We are worth it. I am worth it. We deserve to see if this thing that we have built together can overcome these differences. I believe in my heart of hearts that if we are meant to be, then we will find a way and we will do so together. Besides, this amazing man gets me, the truth of me and still stands by and puts up with my bullshit, I can’t give up on that up so easily! 😉

Til next time my lovelies!

xoxo,

M

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Recharging the Batteries

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Throughout my life, there have been various things that have helped me to recharge my batteries. As I get older, those things have evolved and I find myself seeking solace in a wide variety of things when I am running on empty. In an effort to get back to a calmer place, I figured I would share a few of those things here in hopes of reminding myself what helps me when the going gets tough.

This place – it grounds me, it allows me to take pause and reflect and some of my best thinking is done here

Gasworks Park in Seattle

Gasworks Park in Seattle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crafting and more specifically painting these days – I love seeing the final product and working with my hands to create something

Laughing and smiling – even if it is slightly forced, typically by the end, I am laughing and smiling for real!

Listening to music – no surprise that this makes the cut

Reading a really good book – this could be an old standby or a brand new find

Spending time with some of my nearest and dearest

Watching hilarious videos on YouTube like this one, I literally cannot get enough of this video, it seriously makes me so ridiculously happy –

Baking and then giving it all away

Taking a walk

Wearing my sunglasses in the sunshine

Farmer’s Markets

Flowers – looking at them, appreciating them, buying them for myself, anything really

Watching and talking about sports with someone that actually knows something about them – I know this is a bit weird, but I feel slightly in my element when I am engaging about sports and it feels comfortable to me

Dawson’s Creek – oh you better believe I just totally went there

Hugs

Dancing like a crazy person

Really sitting and enjoying the silence with a nice glass of wine

Knitting – I really only know one stitch, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it over and over

Holding hands – doesn’t really matter who with, but I just love it!

Making a point of seeing a sunset or sunrise and stopping to truly enjoy it

Love Actually – as we know, love actually really is all around

These are just a few of the little things in my life that allow for me to recharge my batteries and bring me comfort in the tougher life moments. I am also incredibly lucky in the sense that I have a support system in place that is made up of some of the most amazing people ever. Ever. Tough times really never stick around for too long with these kiddos in the mix, there is too much laughing and fun stuff to be done!

xoxo,

M

 

 

 

 

 

 

2014.

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It is hard to believe that it has not only been a million years since I last posted on this space of mine, but that it is January 7th. 2014! What?! It truly does feel like just yesterday that I was writing about the happenings of 2012 and my word of the year for 2013. Time really does fly when you are living life I suppose!

2013 brought a lot of wonderful things for me. And one of the biggest and best moments, while extremely personal, was alluded to here. I can’t even begin to share how much of a pivotal moment that was for me this past year. Part of me even wants to say it was THE moment of the year because I finally felt a sense of relief and weight lifting. My word trust proved to be the best choice to walk through the year with in my back pocket. Trust and its meaning to me, wasn’t something that I consciously had to revisit every single day. I did however, have the comfort of knowing that through the challenges and especially in the great moments, it was the underlying force that helped me to navigate through this last year. There is room for improvement, but I am pleased to report that overall, trust helped me to believe in myself a bit more again and trust in the process of life and take comfort in the fact that everything will be ok in the end. As one of my favorite quotes states, everything will be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Let’s just take a brief look at 2013, in of course, list form :

I finally found the words, they might not have been pretty or delivered eloquently, but delivered nonetheless

I got a new job, one that I wasn’t even necessarily looking for, but one that is proving to be a good opportunity (once I finally transition out of my old job fully, which let’s be honest, maybe I am deluding myself into thinking that will actually happen)

I made a dent in furthering my education and all of the fun that came with that

I met some new people and one person in particular

I went fake camping and saw some of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever, ever seen, I also had the opportunity to discover the absolute beauty that is the beach next to a gorgeous lake in the morning with a cup of coffee listening to the water

I semi took up running on a more consistent basis and ran my first 5k in a really long time, with a theme, in a tutu of course

I had some great visitors come to see me in the form of my Bobsey twin and my middle sister and her boyfriend

I went to some Red Sox games, which included two games sitting in kick ass seats on the first base line and a Red Sox/Yankees game

I got to enjoy the Red Sox winning the World Series, parade and all

I had the first anniversary of my 30th birthday

I lived, I loved, I hoped, I wished, I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I pretended to wink, I flirted, I sang, I danced, I drank, I LIVED

2014. We have definitely started you and I am pleased to report, that not only am I continuing to work on embracing the word trust, but my overarching goal for 2014 focuses on positivity. Finding that within myself again. The last several months have been extremely challenging work wise and that has 150% spilled into my personal life. It has jaded me a bit and changed me. I had the same feelings of feeling like I was losing myself that I did a couple of years ago and that scared me so much. I never, NEVER want to go fully back to that place again and it is for that reason, that I need to refocus my efforts on being positive again. Having the best attitude that I can even when it seems like things cannot get any worse. Believing that the good is just right around the corner and there is a reason for it all. TRUSTING that I will make it out on the other side, singing, dancing, smiling, and laughing.

There are always going to be bad days and moments, but it is my hope that even throughout those times I will always be able to pause for a second and remember the good. Think of the little things that bring me joy and happiness everyday no matter what. The small, the big. There are so many different things that can come from positivity and I can’t wait to continue to discover what these things might be for me. Life is short and as much as I can, I want to have a light heart and a smile on my face.

So, bring it 2014, so ready to kick your ass and continue to live some serious life!

xoxo,

M

Currently…

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Reading up a storm.

Waiting for my replacement to start in my old job so I can finally, finally fully transition over to my new job. (More on this later, I know you are all DYING to know about it! ;))

Totally hooked on the show Blacklist. And, hooked, is slightly an understatement. Can.Not.Get.Enough.

Needing some new clothes.

Wishing I could navigate certain relationships in my life a bit better. People can be so confusing sometimes. Not sure it should be so hard, which might be the answer to be honest.

Nursing a sore body. Went to the gym for the first time in what feels like forever last night. Felt so good to be there that I might have overdone it a teeny tiny bit. Especially since I think I did something weird to my back last week. Whoops! Must be more careful in the future, or just try to get there more often. That might solve this issue as well.

Shamelessly listening to these songs. I spend an embarrassing amount of time wondering what song I would walk up to, so this seems like a fitting music choice today in anticipation for game 6 of the World Series! On that note…

Feeling ridiculously excited that the Red Sox have the chance to win the World Series tonight. Thrilled beyond belief that it could be here in Boston!

Willing to finally admit that I have become a full blown Red Sox fan, which I suppose means that I have become a baseball fan in general (never, never thought that would happen!). It has been a gradual acceptance over the last 4 ish years. Hard not to get swept up in it all, especially living here. The history, the lore, Fenway, oh Fenway, that deserves its own post I feel.

Pounding my 3rd cup of coffee this morning. Looks like it is going to be one of those days.

Obsessed with my new stress ball. Perhaps that is an indicator of how life has been lately?

Jealous of someone for a trip they are taking to Seattle this week. And at the same time, hating the fact that I have to be jealous of this particular person. #iammature

Pumped, like always, for the Timberfakes show this weekend! Love, love that one of my favorites kills it on the keys for them and I get to brag about him to everyone I know.

Shocked that November 1 is on Friday. Where does the time go?

Not really enjoying the fact that I have had to put on gloves the last couple of mornings! Getting chilly out there. Seems a touch early, but it is also supposed to be high 60’s on Friday. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised at all, this is New England weather we are talking about here.

Reflecting a lot these days. It is that time of the year for me I suppose, so this isn’t surprising.

Happy to be back and writing on this lovely little blog of mine!

xoxo,

M

 

 

 

 

 

3.

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It feels fitting that what brings me back to my little internet home is my 3 year moving to Boston anniversary. Yep, 3 years ago today, I found myself at my favorite gate at SeaTac airport – A10. About to embark on what has been one of the best, if not the best, adventure of my life.

During the last three years, I feel like I have grown so much, experienced so much, lived so much. Through the good times and the not so good times, those things are truly all that I can ask for. The people that I have met along the way have touched me in ways that I never thought possible. They have helped shape me into the person that I am today. Even those that have proved to be more of a challenge than others, have made an impact in one way or another.

Reflecting back on this year alone, so much has been experienced in my life…

I went back to school, been open to new career paths, allowed my heart to heal, finally said the thing that I haven’t been able to say, made new friends, reconnected with old friends, smiled, laughed, worked on myself inside and out, fell even more in love with my adopted city, experienced heartache and fear one Spring day in a way that I never thought was possible, seen beauty in things that I never thought was possible, had the privilege of showing one of my sisters my life here, went to a Red Sox Yankees game, cheered the Red Sox into the World Series, had more bridge moments then I can count, unexpectedly got a new job, said some see ya laters and good byes, been pleasantly surprised by people, had some interesting, entertaining, funny and slightly drama filled boy moments, had bad days, but had some AMAZING days, felt family and friend sick, but find comfort in knowing still that I am right where I need to be. This list could go on and on.

My feelings and reflections from year 1 and year 2 haven’t changed. If anything, they have grown stronger. I am proud of myself and for how far I have come. I am blessed and so thankful to have the wonderful people in my life that I do. My great days keep getting even more great. My bad days, while I still have them, don’t seem quite as bad as they once did. Finding my lost self over the last year or so has been tough and when I finally found her, she was different, changed, but humbled and hopeful. Hopeful for the future, whatever it may bring. As always on this day, my heart is full, I am reflective, I am proud, and best of all, I am smiling a happy smile.

Love to my readers, it feels good to be back. And, let’s all have some bubbles today to celebrate October 25th, and the endless possibilities that life has to offer!

xoxo,

M

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” – Thomas merton 

Challenges

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Well, we all know this, but life isn’t easy. There are many ups and downs, twists and turns, straights and curves, and challenges. Oh, challenges. There are a lot of those. Challenges test who you are, force you to dig deep within yourself to come out feeling like a winner on the other side, and they can be soul shaking (in a good or bad way!) in my opinion. Now that we have established, or perhaps re-established what challenges kind of are, let me get to the point of this post.

I felt a bit challenged yesterday. And today, today, I still don’t know what to do about it. I am not one for confrontation, in fact, I really avoid it at all costs. I have gotten better over the years about standing up for myself and taking care of myself the best that I can in that sense, but every once in awhile, there is a moment, or challenge that arises that involves someone else or multiple someones where I have to really look within myself to figure out what the best thing to do might be. This might be confronting someone. This might be taking a step back and reassessing things. This might be completely cutting off whatever the problem might be. Or, maybe ignoring things all together and hoping it just gets better with time…(oy, not so sure that this is an option here, but still, a nice thought!)

I think it can be hard when certain challenges with people make you question who you are and second guess the type of person you are and the type of personality you have. And this my friends, is where I am at today. I would like to believe in my heart of hearts that I am a good person. A decent person. A bit ton quirky, but someone who is nice and friendly and maybe a touch charming. I believe that everyone should be made to feel special at least once a day by someone out there and so I try to do that. Stranger or not. I would like to think that I am trustworthy and believable. I don’t tend to like confrontation, but I do feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve in a lot of ways. I have many downfalls as well, I am so stubborn, SO stubborn. Sometimes I can be passive aggressive. Other times way too direct. I can definitely be hot-headed and can be defensive. But, I am human. Take me or leave me kiddos.

It is hard to find yourself in a situation where you feel like you are having to explain yourself or defend your actions. Listen, it is my life. I don’t owe people any explanation for how I am choosing to live that life. Which you can assume, I am not doing anything illegal or dangerous or detrimental to anyone. I am just a 30 year old woman who is trying to find her place in this life, just like everyone else. The people in my life are there for a reason, because I want them to be. Because they all bring something special out in me and bring something wonderful to my life to be thankful for. This is not something that I should need to constantly reiterate to someone. And frankly, who is anyone to question who I talk to, who I spend time with, who I do things with and when?

Something else I wonder is this, is nothing sacred anymore? Are conversations between two people not kept between those two people? Maybe I am just super old school, but if you tell me something, it stays with me. Believe me or not, but it is the truth. If you are coming to me in confidence and frankly, even if you aren’t, what you say doesn’t go further. It isn’t my business to tell the world your business and I hope vice versa. I mean I get it, maybe you want to brag to people that you are talking to me, I mean who doesn’t want to brag about that? It’s kind of a big deal, ha! 😉 BUT, come on.

Whomp whomp could this post be anymore stupid, heavy-hearted, weirdly loaded?! Sigh. Shifting gears…

It is the first day of summer! It is absolutely gorgeous in Beantown and temps are looking to be in the low 80’s all weekend. Holler! Too bad I will be stuck doing school work for a big portion of it. Hoping to at least do some reading outside. Hope it is fabulous weather to welcome summer in wherever you all are!

Thanks for listening to my random ramblings and my pity moment. I am fine and absolutely will be fine. Once I knock some people around! 😉

Love to you all, new and old, real life friends or just lovely followers of my life on this blog!

xoxo,

M

 

Today’s the Day!

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We know all about the wedding glow or the baby glow, but what about that glow someone has when they are truly happy in what they are doing in this life? I think that glow is one of the best things that life can offer because when you find someone that is just glowing with happiness and joy about what they are doing, how can you not smile and feel envious all at the same time?! I am a firm believer in finding and embracing your passions and dreams in life. Life is short. It just is. So why do we all not seize the day and make the most of every single moment? (I can certainly stand to take my own advice! :))

Well, I have mentioned her before and talked a little bit about her journey following her dreams, but my very favorite Bobsey twin graduates from Nursing school today! Holler! Now lovelies, this is someone who truly did find, embrace and follow her dreams to her own version of a perfect career/ilfe and she wears it so well. She has truly come into her own with everything over the last couple of years; gotten over the gross feelings that most have about germs and whatever else and sees them as a challenge, worked her ass off, drank some wine to help through the constant studying, cared, loved, given her heart and soul, and most of all LIVED every moment of achieving her dream of becoming a nurse.

This journey was far from easy. The challenges of nursing school and a complete career shift are ones that are not for the faint of heart. But, she persevered and today is a day full of celebration and cheers for not only, is she graduating today, but yesterday she was offered a job in her dream unit – Pediatric Oncology. To say that I am a proud Bobsey twin is kind of an understatement. I admire her so much for pursuing her dreams and seizing each moment to be happy. It has been an honor to be apart of the journey from start to finish and I take every opportunity that presents itself to brag about my fabulous Bobsey twin!

While I may not be there in body today to cheer you on Bobs, I am most certainly there is in spirit. I will be thinking about you from 9:30 to 11:00 and then again as you begin celebrating you this afternoon! So. So. Proud and amazed and in awe and all of the best possible feelings I could be for you! You wear your dream so well and you are going to be an amazing nurse! And you better believe drinks will be had in your honor today in Beantown!

Love you times infinity!

xoxogg,

M-Bobs

Quote by Elizabeth Gilbert

Turning a Terrible Tuesday into a Terrific Tuesday

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So. I guess I needed a bit of a break from the blogging world after my last actual post. I think I just needed to take a moment for myself and just really try and process and absorb everything that happened here and also just in my own life. On that note…

School is seriously kicking my ass right now. I finished with one crazy class only to start right back up two days later in an even crazier class. It’s tough because no one said this was going to be easy and I most certainly didn’t think I would be skating my way through this degree, but I will admit, that I was hoping my latest class would be a bit less strenuous than my last one. Eh. Such is life I suppose and I just need to keep on keepin’ on. It’s all going to be worth it in the end.

Following up that thought with a mixed bag of tricks list on this semi-terrible Tuesday, hopefully that will help me get out of my weird funk. I don’t want to be best buds Alexander…

title_alexI came into work today to a nice box of chocolates from someone who is leaving to pursue bigger things

Tomorrow is HH and we all know how I love Wednesdays just for that (and I get a new book to read tomorrow!)

I am listening to the Songza playlist – Low Rise Jeans and Baby Tees – seems reasonable for work (as is most of my music I suppose! ;))

I had Raisin Bran for breakfast this morning (I seriously LOVE Raisin Bran)

Hosted a BBQ at Frost Acres on Sunday and was able to get rid of the two pre-made sangria bottles that someone brought to the sangria party last summer (I am sorry, but thank GOD they are gone!)

Sangria party date is set, come to Cambridge on August 10th armed with your best sangria and you could win a prize!

Created a nice wine list for our water delivery guy (random I know, but Brian is pretty fabulous)

Enjoying the current weather (sunny, slightly cool, but has the potential to warm up)

Loving the fact that I look kind of a hiatus from the gym, went yesterday and didn’t really miss a step

Feeling slightly like a Cougar these days (can a 30 year old be a Cougar? what is the exact definition of a Cougar anyway??)

This is just funny : I totally cut my leg today shaving – what am I? A rookie?

Loving that the Bruins killed the Penguins last night

And…how can we not end of this fabulous Daily thought?!

Quote by Erica Jong

xoxo,

M

45 Best Things About Living In Seattle

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Just had to today. Definitely missing Seattle a tiny bit more today after seeing this.

Thought Catalog

1. You get to sleep on the ferry during your morning commute.

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2. Two words: Vivace Espresso.

3. Every apartment turns into a beautiful building covered in ivy and shade from lush trees in the summer.

4. Roundabouts everywhere > stop signs everywhere.

5. Seattle is where Starbucks was born, and still has the world’s first Starbucks (be quiet, you love it).

6. You can see Mt. Ranier — a 14,000 FT. volcano — from downtown.

7. It has a giant, celebrated statue of a Russian communist leader in Fremont, one of its most popular neighborhoods.

8. And a giant troll eating an old VW punchbuggy.

9. It’s part of Cascadia, which is the most badass region on the planet. Also, there’s a Cascadian Independence Movement.

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10. There’s not as much pressure to get every new iPhone that comes out every month.

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11. Washington is one of twelve U.S…

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Boston.

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By now, you all probably know what happened in my adopted city of Boston. There aren’t words to convey how much my heart is hurting right now. There aren’t words to convey the anxiety and stress that I felt when I was trying to contact my roommate (who works like two blocks from the scene of the blast) or my friend who had literally just finished running about 30 minutes before the first explosion happened to make sure they were ok. There aren’t words to convey how lucky I feel to have serious crowd anxiety and I didn’t try to get closer to the finish line yesterday when I was on Boylston Street, 15 minutes prior to the first explosion. There aren’t words to convey the panic I felt watching people run away from the scene, but not knowing exactly what had happened. There aren’t words to convey how I felt when I had to call my mom begging her to turn on the news and tell us what was going on because we didn’t fully know what was happening.

This list could go on and on. With more negative feelings and even more questions. Instead, I want to focus on all of the love and kindness shown yesterday. With every bad story and bad feeling, there are several more that show the goodness, love and kindness in this world. So, so many people reached out to me yesterday to make sure I was ok and safe and you will never truly know how much I appreciate that and just how loved I felt.

This article really hits home to me just how wonderful people can be. In the midst of  tragedy and terror, there are so many people that were selfless and it is these acts of kindness that help to restore faith in humankind. People coming together to forge a bond that says, this is unacceptable and we will not let you win. We will find out who did this and there will be justice for these horrible acts, but in the meantime, we will all come together in this moment and prove our strength.

In the words of President Obama – “Boston is a tough and resilient town, so are its people. I’m supremely confident that Bostonians will pull together, take care of each other, and move forward as one proud city and as they do, the American people will be with them every single step of the way.”

I must have said I was fine to various people over a hundred times yesterday. But, am I really fine? Am I really ok? Maybe not just yet, but I will be. When my heart heals a little more, I will be.