As I sit here in my humble abode on Frost Street in the little nook and gaze out the window (yes, I can type and look out the window at the same time – neat, huh?!) on Saturday night, I wonder what it’s all about.
Am I doing it right? Am I semi heading in the right direction? Making the right friends, the right choices? Living in this life to the best of my ability? What does ‘right’ even mean? And today, I am not sure I know the answer to those questions. Most days, I do, I really feel like I do. But today, I am just not so sure. Now, I just want to take a moment to reassure those readers out there that I do have, I am ok. I really am, but I am just feeling very reflective lately.
Maybe it is because I am staring down 30 in 6 months. Maybe it is because I am trying to take the next steps for my next life chapter. Maybe it is because tomorrow is Father’s Day, Tuesday is my sister’s birthday (and the 6 month marker to my own birthday), the following week is one of my greatest friend’s birthday and I am just feeling like I am missing out on these moments and a million others by being 3000 miles away. Maybe because for some reason I feel the sense of profound loss for what could have been.
It is no secret that this year has been one of the most challenging of my life. Even more so then making the cross-country move to be perfectly honest. I have tried my hardest to face the challenges with the biggest smile I could muster or the biggest laugh I could squeeze out, but some days, some days, time just kind of stops and I can’t muster that smile or that laugh. And I just don’t know the answers to life’s biggest questions. I would like to think that I have fortitude to face life’s tougher moments. I would also like to think that I have grace to face those same moments. Again, some days are just a bit harder to find that fortitude and grace within myself.
It is during these days that I seek solace in the little things and from people in my life, whether they know it or not. A text from an old friend. A smile from a stranger. A song on the radio. Baking cupcakes that are literally exploding from the wrappers – whoops! A book. Or 3. A horrible YouTube video. It is things like this that help to heal my heart a bit and helps me to remember that I am strong goddamn it and I will make it through this and a million other things in my life before the end. What doesn’t kill me, will make me stronger. I will absolutely live to fight another day. And that day, is tomorrow.
(And, I know I have done this before, but it is fitting, I am re-reading Gone with the Wind and damn it, it is my blog!)