I love Gmail. I really do. Except today.
I was searching for something in my email and came across something that was certainly better left off unread. Something from a time where I am not proud of who I was at all. In fact, to be perfectly honest, that period of time is something that I am ashamed of myself for, and that is hard to swallow. I have been working hard at moving beyond that feeling and be more forgiving of myself, but as I have made it known, it is a day to day struggle.
I am not sure why I read it or why I continued to read it once I started reading it, but I did. And instantly felt like all the progress I have made over the last several months was undone. I was shaking at my desk and felt like I was going to throw up. Actually, it was a bit shocking to see how much of an effect all of this still has on me and frankly, how caught up in everything I was once was and how I lost myself in the process. I do not recognize that person, nor did I know who she was during that time either. I just hope, and am choosing to believe, that I will find myself again, or a better version of myself I should say. I don’t want to be an empty shell of what I once was, I want to be better, stronger, respectful of myself and others, and happy.
My life struggles are certainly nothing in comparison to some people’s out there and I am absolutely not trying to discount what other people have been through or are going through – life can be hard, really hard, but today I just need a little bit of extra support. Today the light on the other side is just a bit dimmer than it was yesterday and even how it will be tomorrow. I just can’t wait until the day when I get to wear my favorite sunglasses because that light will be so bright – all of the time.
My apologies for the downer, emotional, vulnerable post, but I just needed to vent it out to someone. In my own way. In my own space. Thank you.
And dammit, NO more extracurricular reading for me for
awhile ever in Gmail!
P.S. It totally looks like snow sky out there. Not. I repeat NOT. Ready.